[7/365]

Something about him made her heart yearn for his company. Was it his sarcasm ? Or his witty rebuttal to her every word ? She was not sure. But yes, she was sure of one thing. She wanted to become his friend. She was used to being told that she was perfect. But he pointed out the flaws. When others sang praises, he criticized. Perhaps, it was the darkness around him that attracted her. She did not realize that darkness is overpowering. She did not know it will consume her. It will suck out the light from her. 

[6/365] A Recap from College days - Lessons Learnt

Below is something I wrote when I was in college. The fact that things have not changed much and I need a reminder of these things again is just pathetic.

Lessons Learnt 


I am exhausted, thinking of the same thing over and over again. How can one be so fickle? How can one be so manipulative? It is definitely beyond my understandings.

While I spent my time thinking of the happenings again and again, I realized something. When it comes to arguments, people generally do not see logic. Leave alone the logic, even the common sense abandons. All that is left is the rage to win the argument at any cost.

As one of my friends advised, the only way to deal with such arguments is to laugh it off. Few years down the lane, it would seem trivial. Though I do not want to get into the happenings (yes, that is how I like to call it), here are the few valuable lessons I learnt.


# Lesson 1

Though the world has moved on, there are still guys who feel their inherent dominant genes and no matter what, they will always feel so. A thing out of girl’s mouth carries as much value as the 25 paise coins does these days. As one of my friend’s facebook update states, by evolution, guys have been dominant and it would take some time for them to get out of it and until then women have to bear with their attitudes.

# Lesson 2

People can go to any level to get the work done. When someone wanted work to be done, they can come and smile and act like your best friend. But the facade will last only until the work gets over. It will be your mistake if you had given the person a second chance. You cannot straighten a dog’s tail nor can you bend the sunlight. It is one thing to get cheated by the facade and entirely another thing to know the facade and still go with it because all you want to do is to help in the work knowing full well that the person concerned is incapable of getting the work done. Enjoy the feeling! :)

# Lesson 3

Empathy is a bad emotion to feel. While people might call you compassionate, you will always remain an unwanted involvement to the problem. So learn not to empathize anymore.

# Lesson 4

Feminism is a good thing. A girl outspoken will be called names but a guy outspoken will be idolized. I did not see the need for feminism before, but now, I am all for it.

# Lesson 5

No matter what, everyone have an ego wall built around them. Some are scalable, some are unconquerable. Some are weak while some are iron gates. Things that might seem harmless to you might hurt someone else’s ego. So be careful when you deal with others.

# Lesson 6

Words. They have the power to create magic and also the power to create hell. So be careful with what you say. Watch it!!!

# Lesson 7 **The best lesson ever**

Silence is golden. Period. No more comments.

Note : People who read it do not get offended. This is in reference to the few. I agree, the rest are wonderful.

[5/365] Mehendi Lessons

I learnt an important lesson today. Expectations are the root cause for all misery and messed up things. Expectations hinder imaginations, efforts and everything.

So here is the series of events that lead to this realization. I am quite decent in mehendi designs. One of my flatmates' mom was visiting us and she has a thing for my mehendi designs. In fact, she was one of the few persons who have been brave enough to give their palms to me to experiment on. She wanted me to do mehendi design on her palms again this time. So I was super careful, went through a lot of designs, zeroed in on one and spend about an hour doing it. It came out well. There were some more left in the cone and so I decided to do something on my hand. I absolutely went crazy and tried out things on my hand and at the end of ten minutes, the one I did for myself turned out to be more beautiful than the other one.

It was then I realised that I was ready to try out different things since it concerned only me and did not involve others and so there were no expectations involved. This helped me do things better. Expectations serve as a mental block in most of the cases. I am now working towards a new goal of turning expectations from others into a positive factor rather than a weigh-down factor.

Suggestions are welcome !

[4/365] Books

So true!

I went on a ordering binge on Flipkart. They just got delivered and so am all set for the weekend !

Excited :)

[3/365] On being good and honest

Yesterday, it was just a question. But based on what is happening around me, I am sure of it now. It is not worth to be all good and honest. The world has almost become like 'the five monkeys in the box' experiment. In the beginning, it was planned. But as time went on, it became the norm. Now, no one wants frank opinion. Sugar-coated words please people. Words, in its most raw form is abhorred. I can clearly see manipulation working like magic around me. Its very tempting to follow the suit. It will solve many of my problems. Instead being accused of doing things that did not happen, it will be better to get blamed for my own actions. At the very least, I will have the satisfaction of having done it. I am trying very hard not to succumb to this temptation. I had pledged myself when I joined corporate that I will not become one among the many monkeys. I will not let it change my values and principles. People warned me but I was confident. Now, my stance seems to be faltering. Lets see how long I can hold out. 

[2/365] On Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas ! Christmas have always been associated joy. For me, the word Christmas triggers my mind to conjure the ever smiling face of 'Santa' with white beard. Seeing endless Christmas movies on lifetime channel during my brief US visit did not help the case either. I am now a believer in Christmas miracles and yes, in Santa too :) Christmas is all about the joy of giving. I have always been a believer in small acts of kindness. What goes around comes around.

But recently, my faith in good will has been on a trial stand. When you see darkness all around, it is difficult to believe in light. Is it really worth to be honest and good in this big bad world ? My mind seems to be asking this a lot these days. A world where your most innocent words get dissected on various levels and get twisted around to arrive at most ridiculous conclusions, how much long can one hold out ? I am not sure. But all I hope is I do not succumb to the temptation of following the norms, becoming one among the many. 

[1/365] Being Pampered...

There is nothing like being home and pampered after experiencing cold US winter for a month. People say winter in California is the warmest. But having lived in Chennai for six years now, it is the coldest that I have been and I could not wait to get back. Maybe, naturally I am warm-hearted ( I know, some would disagree).  If anyone asks me the high point of my recent US trip, I would call out my return journey as being the one. Having been busy doing last minute shopping for two days, I had barely 4 hours of sleep during my last two days. I was so sleepy that I missed the takeoff at SFO. But what made the return flight awesome was the feeling when you are woken up with food served in front of you, which you can have and go right back to sleep. Yay, it was the best 15 hours I have had in the recent days.

P.S.: Home reminded me of so many things I used to be and now not. Everyone needs a nest to fly to, to hide from the big bad world and I can say, my nest is the safest :)

The 365 Days Challenge

I am restless again. Words seem to be ready to pour out of me. I did not realize how much I need this vacation. I wanted to get away from everything that has been going on. 

I am broken from inside. People who even barely know me ask why I have grown quieter, why I have withdrawn. I simply cannot answer. So I decided its time to face the issue head on. I was looking for ways to heal and came across this, this awesome blog. And it has inspired me. Yes, I am going to try my best to write every single day. Lets see if this helps.

Not mine to take credit...

It’s been a while, isn't it? No matter how much I change, how articulate I become, I don’t think I’ll ever let go of words like these. There’s only so much that I can do in my attempt to be succinct.

And I ramble and make small talk, as usual. I have acquired quite the knack to play with words and fill in the gaps, prolong an insubstantial conversation, if you may.

But I believe I have lost the ability to express my innermost feelings, as hackneyed as it may sound. My expression has lost its verve, its clarity and depth – and I struggle to elucidate things that came so naturally to me a while ago.

How long has it been since my writing skills went for a toss and I hit a perpetual writer’s block, I have no idea. It’s become so perfunctory, so mechanical. Words, beautiful, unusual words which I would carefully pick to adorn my elaborate prose with, to create that breathtaking, thought-provoking effect – they entice me no longer. 

And I hate the idea of sounding conventional and drab.

But, I digress. Much as I would love to rant about my writing or the lack thereof – it is not what weighs on my mind.

I don’t even know if I want to acknowledge my thoughts anymore. Facing your issues head-on can be so exhausting. I don’t want to feel drained anymore. I’m tired of crying for the wounds that only get deeper with time.

It has never been my wont to blame others, to subject them to revengeful, venomous thoughts. Anger takes the form of despair and hopelessness and I succumb further and further to self-pity and martyrdom.

Have I reached a point where I can’t be honest with myself anymore? How utterly deplorable is that.

And so I try, for once, to channel my feelings into words, address them to someone, instead of letting them reverberate against the scarred walls of my own mind. And so I try to speak of that which afflicts me the most, which has no direct bearing to the person concerned but revolves around the said being, who serves but as a trigger, a reflection of my innermost desires and fears.

I wish I could call you by name, however, to lend you so much credence especially when you yourself have no idea about the effect you have on me, will be taking it too far.

But you are there and my feelings for you continue to hold me in their grip. Attraction…desire intertwined with guilt, with hesitation and with uncertainty. All under the looming question of your perceived worth…of who deserves whom, of the larger question of being seen together, of acceptance. 

How foolishly delusional it was for me to even consider the future ramifications that a relationship between us would have entailed.

I fell for your intellect, your seemingly haughty demeanor, the air of secrecy you deliberately surrounded yourself with. In haste, I thought I had found a kindred spirit – the walls, they appeal to me to be broken down just as I yearn for someone to recognize and do the same for me.

And it was the first time I had been in such proximity to a person I liked and it nearly killed me. I hate the fact as to how evident it was – in contravention to the controlled bearing I usually adopt.

And you saw through it, didn't you? You knew what was going on in my mind. Oblivion is a ruse neither of us can adopt.

But I’d give anything to be able to know if you knew, if you had any inkling of the cause behind my peculiar behavior. You wouldn't have spoken to me the way you did, otherwise, would you now?

That is, before I destroyed that nascent trust, by being overbearing, by pushing things too far.

By doing so deliberately knowing that you are already with someone else.

I can’t apologize enough. And probably, I have lost all the respect I had earned.

P.S.: This was something I read in someone's blog long time ago and I guess I must have had a premonition to keep it saved for this is how I exactly feel now. Its good to know that I have a soul sister somewhere out there.

Yes, You are right...

So I am back after a break and yes, you are right. I am depressed and bursting with emotions again. It has almost become a pattern that whenever I am gloomy with lot of thoughts running around my mind, I come here, to blog as an outlet. It gives me a satisfaction of having put down in words the things that are parading around your brain and i feel great relief at the end. Emotions seem to find home in this blog and they rest in peace here forever.

I have always thought that I understand myself well and know what I am doing and why I am doing things. But then, this situation always makes me think that somewhere I am wrong.

There is this person I really like. This person is one of my most favorite people in world. But then, this person is also the one who has hurt me the most. Nothing leaves me more depressed than problems with this person. So every single time we have problems, this person offers to move away from my life completely and nothing seems worse than that. I go into depression mode / loathe around. I also don't understand what changes but we always get back together.

Given the history , one would think that I must have learnt my lesson by now and know that problems if any will get resolved soon. My head takes the rational path but then my heart aches so much that my rational sense goes down the drain and all I can think about is how depressing things are going to be without that person.

I know all these would fit into a clingy person description and this is where my confusion lies.  I am hardly people's person. I am not good at maintaining contacts nor am I good at making quick acquaintances. I usually do not care much when relationship changes. Then what is it about this person that has made it impossible to let go ? May be its the fear that I might not find another person like this and the place will forever remain vacant. Or may be the knowledge that this person is worth all the pain for this person makes me the happiest.

If someone were to draw a curve of my emotions with regards to this person,  it will be a perfect sine curve. We always have our ups and downs at regular intervals and now the sine curve is at a dying stage. Its being threatened to fall to a flat line at the bottom, never to rise again.

The fact that I am thousands of miles away, all alone, stuck in US is not helping and all I can think of is I might not recover from the depression I will fall into, this time around. 

The Beginning

'Then find someone', he said.

'Well, I am not the kind of person who would go and find someone. Love just happens' I said.

'Yeah, it just happens. But not always. You can either wait for it to happen or go ahead and make it happen' he countered.

'I wish it could happen right now ' I thought to myself with a sigh  as we were darting around the potholes in the empty road at 11 in the night.

That thing called Love

I have always been a strong supporter of love at first sight. I remember all those arguments I used to have with the friends because they did not see love happening at first sight. Yet I was a true believer. I was waiting for my prince in shining armor to ride up to me and sweep me off my feet. Knowing how head strong I am, it would have been quite an effort.

But fate had other plans. I met you. It was not love at first sight. We talked, argued, fought, separated many times only to get together again with greater bonding. I did not realize I am in love with you at first. My heart used to sing out loud when you were near and when you were not around, it was down to the dumps. I did not realize how important you had become to me until the day you almost decided to push me out of your life. I lived like a zombie for a week then. As usual, we were back together. You were the same. But I was not. I was a woman in love.

 

I was carefree before. But now, I felt burdened. Your words, which only brought out the argumentative me before now hurt me. I began to take care of what I say to you for I knew you will fling words at me without care and I will have bear the brunt now. Things changed. Still, you were blind. Or rather you chose to be. 

Now I have come to a point where I cannot keep this to myself. I live in constant fear that I might blurt it out anytime. My soul feel trapped. I wish things didn't have to be like this between us. But then, this is reality. 

 

I have heard people do mad things for love. Yes, I believe in it now. I know I cannot have you. There is always a difference between what you want and what you get and I have learnt to accept it. All I want to have now is memories. Memories with which I can nurse my broken heart once you leave. You will  never know that every time we are alone, I stove away the memories in a bag to be opened when you leave. Each time you smile, I take photographs with my eyes so that I will remember them when I am down and you are not around. 

I now know love at first sight did not happen to me. While I was waiting for my prince, I befriended a stranger who slowly but steadily claimed the rights to my heart.  

P.S. : This is inspired from true life. I will not lie by declaring this as fiction. 

On being nice and other things...

After a particularly distracting bad day at work, I was at my wits end and needed an outlet. And like most people, I turned to internet. I googled for some inspiration and found this.

Now this one is bang on! Being nice is probably one of the most disputed aspects of human behavior. While as the picture says it feels nice to be nice, there are instances where being nice is tagged as being fake. Being nice always is looked down upon by hypocrites.

But then, sometimes people are genuinely nice. They try to be nice to people because it makes them happy.  This is not being fake. Well after all, it is said, Love they neighbour as you love theyself!

Yes, there are situations when things not so nice have to be spoken and discussed. But until then, be nice. For you might never know when the situation might be reversed.

Now the picture below made me think about each of those emotions and made me realize there is much more worse things  that could have happened but did not. So I am thankful for it.

Next, I simply loved this one because the single short sentence had a lot to say. Only you can pull yourself out of an abyss created in your mind for only you have access to it. There is no use in looking up to others for help. Self help is the best help!

Finally, a few lines from one of my favorite poems of all time.

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I-- I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have very fond memories of these woods for this was my best trip in Germany

P.S. : A very random post written when all I wanted to do was to whine and rant.
P.P.S. : Just realized this fact : 'Learn to accept things, not expect things'

The Guy Next Desk

I read a post here by a friend sometimes back and I decided then that I must write something on the guy who sits next to me in the office. Incidentally, he changed teams and today was probably his last day as the guy next desk. So here I am, writing about the guy next desk.

I have the most intriguing character sitting next to me in office. We are almost like cat and mouse, one never agrees to the other without arguing on it. This person is point blank frank who gives the most honest opinion on things even if it means saying something that is so rude to be actually said. He is a proud misanthrope. A go-to person for all kinds of problem if you can actually bear with the attitude!  If he decides to help you, you can consider your problem solved. Such is his prowess. Getting into arguments with this guy is a waste of time as he has an answer to every question, yet I love doing that.

For anyone, their first job and first boss is special and in that way, I can say I am very lucky. I had this awesome person leading me. Someone who gave me my own space but still managed to steer me in the right direction. Someone to whom I can trust to ask any stupid questions and have him answer it (after a verbal jibe, of course!) I have learnt the ways of a corporate life from him. 

Personally, he has become a good friend. A person I turn to when I require honest opinion. A person I turn to when I need any kind of help. A person who can make me smile any time. A person who many a time acts as a mannequin to whom I speak my thoughts out and come to a conclusion myself. A person who never misses to point out any flaw in me. Also, my day is not complete without an argument with him. 

Now that he has moved on to a new team, I will miss all these. My desk will not remain the same without this guy next desk. You will truly be missed.

P.S. : I have always known that I am emotional. But what I did not realize was the extent to which I am. I spent buckets of tears crying over this change. 

P.P.S. : I guess there are going to be similar posts every time my team changes for I have an awesome team to work with. 

P.P.P.S. : I know I must not mix professional and personal life together, but then given the amount of time I spend at office, it is almost inevitable.

P.P.P.P.S. : Yay!! This is my 50th post! 

Sudden Realisation

Sometimes once in a while, you need to do something so that you are reminded of the person you once were. Sometimes life gets into a rut and you even start liking the rut. And all of a sudden, you wonder what the hell is happening. You wake up suddenly and you realize you have become this person you don't recognize anymore. You have become this person you swore you will never become. And you need to prove to yourself that you still have it in you to be what you once were. That you are still capable of a making a comeback and not beyond redemption.

Yes, this is exactly what I am feeling right now. 

Unknown to You

I wish I could tell you,

How much I adore you.

Every time I see you,

A smile blooms.

Every time I speak with you,

My lips curve.

I try not to fall,

But I already have.

I try not to show,

But I miserably fail.

I try not to love,

But I really do.

I know this is wrong,

For you belong to someone else.

I know this is impossible,

For fate will have the final laugh.

I know we are not meant to be,

For anonymous I will always remain..

My Only Muse...

Every time I talk to you, there is one more conversation to remember. One more memory to be cherished. One more thought to ponder upon. One more word added to the list which will trigger a flashback when I hear it again. One more inch I fall deeper for you. I begin my day daily swearing to myself that I will avoid you today. I will not smile at you today. I will keep my thoughts to myself today. But I end up talking, arguing, smiling and sharing my thoughts with you. I know I am fighting a battle with lost cause here.

I have never felt this way before. Not with such intensity. But then I know you are forbidden. Perhaps, it is the fact that you are forbidden that makes me yearn for more. But somewhere deep inside I know, I will never take this to the next level. I will never give you the complete power to own me or break my heart or yours in the process. We are safer the way we are.

Yet, you will always be my muse. My Only Muse.


P.S.: I read this post "The Ultimate Connect" which struck a chord and touched a nerve somewhere deep inside and I just couldn't resist writing. Thanks for inspiring me to write after a really long time!

P.P.S.: For the first time, I have tried writing something romantic and fictional. So excuse the randomness!