Tuesday, December 31, 2013


Something about him made her heart yearn for his company. Was it his sarcasm ? Or his witty rebuttal to her every word ? She was not sure. But yes, she was sure of one thing. She wanted to become his friend. She was used to being told that she was perfect. But he pointed out the flaws. When others sang praises, he criticized. Perhaps, it was the darkness around him that attracted her. She did not realize that darkness is overpowering. She did not know it will consume her. It will suck out the light from her. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

[6/365] A Recap from College days - Lessons Learnt

Below is something I wrote when I was in college. The fact that things have not changed much and I need a reminder of these things again is just pathetic.

Lessons Learnt 

I am exhausted, thinking of the same thing over and over again. How can one be so fickle? How can one be so manipulative? It is definitely beyond my understandings.

While I spent my time thinking of the happenings again and again, I realized something. When it comes to arguments, people generally do not see logic. Leave alone the logic, even the common sense abandons. All that is left is the rage to win the argument at any cost.

As one of my friends advised, the only way to deal with such arguments is to laugh it off. Few years down the lane, it would seem trivial. Though I do not want to get into the happenings (yes, that is how I like to call it), here are the few valuable lessons I learnt.

# Lesson 1

Though the world has moved on, there are still guys who feel their inherent dominant genes and no matter what, they will always feel so. A thing out of girl’s mouth carries as much value as the 25 paise coins does these days. As one of my friend’s facebook update states, by evolution, guys have been dominant and it would take some time for them to get out of it and until then women have to bear with their attitudes.

# Lesson 2
People can go to any level to get the work done. When someone wanted work to be done, they can come and smile and act like your best friend. But the facade will last only until the work gets over. It will be your mistake if you had given the person a second chance. You cannot straighten a dog’s tail nor can you bend the sunlight. It is one thing to get cheated by the facade and entirely another thing to know the facade and still go with it because all you want to do is to help in the work knowing full well that the person concerned is incapable of getting the work done. Enjoy the feeling! :)

# Lesson 3

Empathy is a bad emotion to feel. While people might call you compassionate, you will always remain an unwanted involvement to the problem. So learn not to empathize anymore.

# Lesson 4

Feminism is a good thing. A girl outspoken will be called names but a guy outspoken will be idolized. I did not see the need for feminism before, but now, I am all for it.

# Lesson 5

No matter what, everyone have an ego wall built around them. Some are scalable, some are unconquerable. Some are weak while some are iron gates. Things that might seem harmless to you might hurt someone else’s ego. So be careful when you deal with others.

# Lesson 6
Words. They have the power to create magic and also the power to create hell. So be careful with what you say. Watch it!!!

# Lesson 7 **The best lesson ever**

Silence is golden. Period. No more comments.

Note : People who read it do not get offended. This is in reference to the few. I agree, the rest are wonderful.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

[5/365] Mehendi Lessons

I learnt an important lesson today. Expectations are the root cause for all misery and messed up things. Expectations hinder imaginations, efforts and everything.

So here is the series of events that lead to this realization. I am quite decent in mehendi designs. One of my flatmates' mom was visiting us and she has a thing for my mehendi designs. In fact, she was one of the few persons who have been brave enough to give their palms to me to experiment on. She wanted me to do mehendi design on her palms again this time. So I was super careful, went through a lot of designs, zeroed in on one and spend about an hour doing it. It came out well. There were some more left in the cone and so I decided to do something on my hand. I absolutely went crazy and tried out things on my hand and at the end of ten minutes, the one I did for myself turned out to be more beautiful than the other one.

It was then I realised that I was ready to try out different things since it concerned only me and did not involve others and so there were no expectations involved. This helped me do things better. Expectations serve as a mental block in most of the cases. I am now working towards a new goal of turning expectations from others into a positive factor rather than a weigh-down factor.

Suggestions are welcome !

Saturday, December 28, 2013

[4/365] Books

So true!
I went on a ordering binge on Flipkart. They just got delivered and so am all set for the weekend !
Excited :)

Thursday, December 26, 2013

[3/365] On being good and honest

Yesterday, it was just a question. But based on what is happening around me, I am sure of it now. It is not worth to be all good and honest. The world has almost become like 'the five monkeys in the box' experiment. In the beginning, it was planned. But as time went on, it became the norm. Now, no one wants frank opinion. Sugar-coated words please people. Words, in its most raw form is abhorred. I can clearly see manipulation working like magic around me. Its very tempting to follow the suit. It will solve many of my problems. Instead being accused of doing things that did not happen, it will be better to get blamed for my own actions. At the very least, I will have the satisfaction of having done it. I am trying very hard not to succumb to this temptation. I had pledged myself when I joined corporate that I will not become one among the many monkeys. I will not let it change my values and principles. People warned me but I was confident. Now, my stance seems to be faltering. Lets see how long I can hold out. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

[2/365] On Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas ! Christmas have always been associated joy. For me, the word Christmas triggers my mind to conjure the ever smiling face of 'Santa' with white beard. Seeing endless Christmas movies on lifetime channel during my brief US visit did not help the case either. I am now a believer in Christmas miracles and yes, in Santa too :) Christmas is all about the joy of giving. I have always been a believer in small acts of kindness. What goes around comes around.

But recently, my faith in good will has been on a trial stand. When you see darkness all around, it is difficult to believe in light. Is it really worth to be honest and good in this big bad world ? My mind seems to be asking this a lot these days. A world where your most innocent words get dissected on various levels and get twisted around to arrive at most ridiculous conclusions, how much long can one hold out ? I am not sure. But all I hope is I do not succumb to the temptation of following the norms, becoming one among the many. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

[1/365] Being Pampered...

There is nothing like being home and pampered after experiencing cold US winter for a month. People say winter in California is the warmest. But having lived in Chennai for six years now, it is the coldest that I have been and I could not wait to get back. Maybe, naturally I am warm-hearted ( I know, some would disagree).  If anyone asks me the high point of my recent US trip, I would call out my return journey as being the one. Having been busy doing last minute shopping for two days, I had barely 4 hours of sleep during my last two days. I was so sleepy that I missed the takeoff at SFO. But what made the return flight awesome was the feeling when you are woken up with food served in front of you, which you can have and go right back to sleep. Yay, it was the best 15 hours I have had in the recent days.

P.S.: Home reminded me of so many things I used to be and now not. Everyone needs a nest to fly to, to hide from the big bad world and I can say, my nest is the safest :)

Monday, December 23, 2013

The 365 Days Challenge

I am restless again. Words seem to be ready to pour out of me. I did not realize how much I need this vacation. I wanted to get away from everything that has been going on. 

I am broken from inside. People who even barely know me ask why I have grown quieter, why I have withdrawn. I simply cannot answer. So I decided its time to face the issue head on. I was looking for ways to heal and came across this, this awesome blog. And it has inspired me. Yes, I am going to try my best to write every single day. Lets see if this helps.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Not mine to take credit...

It’s been a while, isn't it? No matter how much I change, how articulate I become, I don’t think I’ll ever let go of words like these. There’s only so much that I can do in my attempt to be succinct.

And I ramble and make small talk, as usual. I have acquired quite the knack to play with words and fill in the gaps, prolong an insubstantial conversation, if you may.

But I believe I have lost the ability to express my innermost feelings, as hackneyed as it may sound. My expression has lost its verve, its clarity and depth – and I struggle to elucidate things that came so naturally to me a while ago.

How long has it been since my writing skills went for a toss and I hit a perpetual writer’s block, I have no idea. It’s become so perfunctory, so mechanical. Words, beautiful, unusual words which I would carefully pick to adorn my elaborate prose with, to create that breathtaking, thought-provoking effect – they entice me no longer. 

And I hate the idea of sounding conventional and drab.

But, I digress. Much as I would love to rant about my writing or the lack thereof – it is not what weighs on my mind.

I don’t even know if I want to acknowledge my thoughts anymore. Facing your issues head-on can be so exhausting. I don’t want to feel drained anymore. I’m tired of crying for the wounds that only get deeper with time.

It has never been my wont to blame others, to subject them to revengeful, venomous thoughts. Anger takes the form of despair and hopelessness and I succumb further and further to self-pity and martyrdom.

Have I reached a point where I can’t be honest with myself anymore? How utterly deplorable is that.

And so I try, for once, to channel my feelings into words, address them to someone, instead of letting them reverberate against the scarred walls of my own mind. And so I try to speak of that which afflicts me the most, which has no direct bearing to the person concerned but revolves around the said being, who serves but as a trigger, a reflection of my innermost desires and fears.

I wish I could call you by name, however, to lend you so much credence especially when you yourself have no idea about the effect you have on me, will be taking it too far.

But you are there and my feelings for you continue to hold me in their grip. Attraction…desire intertwined with guilt, with hesitation and with uncertainty. All under the looming question of your perceived worth…of who deserves whom, of the larger question of being seen together, of acceptance. 

How foolishly delusional it was for me to even consider the future ramifications that a relationship between us would have entailed.

I fell for your intellect, your seemingly haughty demeanor, the air of secrecy you deliberately surrounded yourself with. In haste, I thought I had found a kindred spirit – the walls, they appeal to me to be broken down just as I yearn for someone to recognize and do the same for me.

And it was the first time I had been in such proximity to a person I liked and it nearly killed me. I hate the fact as to how evident it was – in contravention to the controlled bearing I usually adopt.

And you saw through it, didn't you? You knew what was going on in my mind. Oblivion is a ruse neither of us can adopt.

But I’d give anything to be able to know if you knew, if you had any inkling of the cause behind my peculiar behavior. You wouldn't have spoken to me the way you did, otherwise, would you now?

That is, before I destroyed that nascent trust, by being overbearing, by pushing things too far.
By doing so deliberately knowing that you are already with someone else.

I can’t apologize enough. And probably, I have lost all the respect I had earned.

P.S.: This was something I read in someone's blog long time ago and I guess I must have had a premonition to keep it saved for this is how I exactly feel now. Its good to know that I have a soul sister somewhere out there.