Thursday, November 28, 2013

Yes, You are right...

So I am back after a break and yes, you are right. I am depressed and bursting with emotions again. It has almost become a pattern that whenever I am gloomy with lot of thoughts running around my mind, I come here, to blog as an outlet. It gives me a satisfaction of having put down in words the things that are parading around your brain and i feel great relief at the end. Emotions seem to find home in this blog and they rest in peace here forever.

I have always thought that I understand myself well and know what I am doing and why I am doing things. But then, this situation always makes me think that somewhere I am wrong.

There is this person I really like. This person is one of my most favorite people in world. But then, this person is also the one who has hurt me the most. Nothing leaves me more depressed than problems with this person. So every single time we have problems, this person offers to move away from my life completely and nothing seems worse than that. I go into depression mode / loathe around. I also don't understand what changes but we always get back together.

Given the history , one would think that I must have learnt my lesson by now and know that problems if any will get resolved soon. My head takes the rational path but then my heart aches so much that my rational sense goes down the drain and all I can think about is how depressing things are going to be without that person.

I know all these would fit into a clingy person description and this is where my confusion lies.  I am hardly people's person. I am not good at maintaining contacts nor am I good at making quick acquaintances. I usually do not care much when relationship changes. Then what is it about this person that has made it impossible to let go ? May be its the fear that I might not find another person like this and the place will forever remain vacant. Or may be the knowledge that this person is worth all the pain for this person makes me the happiest.

If someone were to draw a curve of my emotions with regards to this person,  it will be a perfect sine curve. We always have our ups and downs at regular intervals and now the sine curve is at a dying stage. Its being threatened to fall to a flat line at the bottom, never to rise again.

The fact that I am thousands of miles away, all alone, stuck in US is not helping and all I can think of is I might not recover from the depression I will fall into, this time around.