The Thinking Tales - Her Thoughts

She knew she was in love when she realized that the next sentence she wanted to utter is I am in love with you, no matter what question he asked. They were having a conversation so long and complete that in the end, she was just happy and content to stay silent. Then, there was the smile that refused to go away when she looked at him. She was pretty sure that he would be secretly wondering what a weirdo she was. She was arguing her way through his irrefutable logic a while back and all she could do now was to smile and nod. Well, that is what love did to her. It tore away the walls she had built around her heart and took away every single shred of caution with which she had protected it once, leaving her raw and needy. 

She realized that she might never be able to say those words to him. She wondered if she should turn and run in the opposite direction or sit, talk and let her heart figure out alternate ways of showing it. There were agonizing moments she spent with him wondering if she should just break the news to him and see how he reacted. At least, she would have a closure that way. But then she thought about what would happen next. What if he refuses to be responsible for her heart and pushes it back to her ? Or worse, what if he stomps all over it ? How will she put the pieces back together the way it was. The truth, she realized is that she will not be able to. She will never be the same. She will become a little more cynical, learning to veil her pain in dry sarcasm and humor. The walls that broke down will reappear, only a little higher and tougher this time. 

So what should she do now ? she wondered. She did not know he was trouble when he walked in. At least when he moved closer, she should have known. But now, it was too late. She was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. She knew that there was nothing but pain waiting for her at the end. She decided she will worry about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.    

P.S. : I am trying to get back to writing after a while. Hopefully, I will be able to complete this series. Coming up next is 'His Thoughts'

The Beginning

'Then find someone', he said.

'Well, I am not the kind of person who would go and find someone. Love just happens' I said.

'Yeah, it just happens. But not always. You can either wait for it to happen or go ahead and make it happen' he countered.

'I wish it could happen right now ' I thought to myself with a sigh  as we were darting around the potholes in the empty road at 11 in the night.

That thing called Love

I have always been a strong supporter of love at first sight. I remember all those arguments I used to have with the friends because they did not see love happening at first sight. Yet I was a true believer. I was waiting for my prince in shining armor to ride up to me and sweep me off my feet. Knowing how head strong I am, it would have been quite an effort.

But fate had other plans. I met you. It was not love at first sight. We talked, argued, fought, separated many times only to get together again with greater bonding. I did not realize I am in love with you at first. My heart used to sing out loud when you were near and when you were not around, it was down to the dumps. I did not realize how important you had become to me until the day you almost decided to push me out of your life. I lived like a zombie for a week then. As usual, we were back together. You were the same. But I was not. I was a woman in love.

 

I was carefree before. But now, I felt burdened. Your words, which only brought out the argumentative me before now hurt me. I began to take care of what I say to you for I knew you will fling words at me without care and I will have bear the brunt now. Things changed. Still, you were blind. Or rather you chose to be. 

Now I have come to a point where I cannot keep this to myself. I live in constant fear that I might blurt it out anytime. My soul feel trapped. I wish things didn't have to be like this between us. But then, this is reality. 

 

I have heard people do mad things for love. Yes, I believe in it now. I know I cannot have you. There is always a difference between what you want and what you get and I have learnt to accept it. All I want to have now is memories. Memories with which I can nurse my broken heart once you leave. You will  never know that every time we are alone, I stove away the memories in a bag to be opened when you leave. Each time you smile, I take photographs with my eyes so that I will remember them when I am down and you are not around. 

I now know love at first sight did not happen to me. While I was waiting for my prince, I befriended a stranger who slowly but steadily claimed the rights to my heart.  

P.S. : This is inspired from true life. I will not lie by declaring this as fiction. 

My Only Muse...

Every time I talk to you, there is one more conversation to remember. One more memory to be cherished. One more thought to ponder upon. One more word added to the list which will trigger a flashback when I hear it again. One more inch I fall deeper for you. I begin my day daily swearing to myself that I will avoid you today. I will not smile at you today. I will keep my thoughts to myself today. But I end up talking, arguing, smiling and sharing my thoughts with you. I know I am fighting a battle with lost cause here.

I have never felt this way before. Not with such intensity. But then I know you are forbidden. Perhaps, it is the fact that you are forbidden that makes me yearn for more. But somewhere deep inside I know, I will never take this to the next level. I will never give you the complete power to own me or break my heart or yours in the process. We are safer the way we are.

Yet, you will always be my muse. My Only Muse.


P.S.: I read this post "The Ultimate Connect" which struck a chord and touched a nerve somewhere deep inside and I just couldn't resist writing. Thanks for inspiring me to write after a really long time!

P.P.S.: For the first time, I have tried writing something romantic and fictional. So excuse the randomness!