If I ran into you

"I read this article on thought catalog today on 'I Don’t Know What I Would Do If I Ran Into You' and that got me thinking. What would I do ?

I have thought about you every other day for the past two years. Even though I have new interests now, you do come to my thoughts. " 

These were my thoughts two years ago. Last week, I dreamt that we casually end up meeting each other in a school park, you with your kid and me in my running attire. Yes, I occasionally do dream about you. We had a common friend who introduced me to your wife. She gave a knowing smile and an emphatic Hi. And I, well I simply smiled and said Hi back to you and your family. 

I woke up startled that I did not feel tears welling up my eyes or the emotional turmoil that your thoughts and dreams generally caused. I guess I can say I am finally over you although you were never mine to begin with. All it took was 7 years to make peace with it. 

Radio Silence

It is almost a year since my last post. I can easily say that it was a writer's block and escape but then it will not be true. I have had writer's block before. I know how it feels. It feels like your brain has emptied itself out, thoughts hung out to dry. But what happened in the last one year is slightly different. I was itching to write all the time. My drafts are filled with notes written both drunk and sober that did not pass the filter. The filter was a simple question - Is it about him ? The answer was always a yes. I did not want to be the pathetic writer who writes sappy posts about love. I am still not sure if I was allowed that emotion considering nothing really happened. How do you mourn the loss of something that was only in your head? My answer was by suppressing the urge to put it into words. Hence, the radio silence. 

I am going to try and not be the person who writes only sappy poems. This radio silence has to end. 

The Thinking Tales - His Thoughts

He knew he was in trouble when he realized that he was actually enjoying the conversation.  He should have been bored by now. He was neither into conversations nor people. He was generally considered a misanthrope. Yet, she seemed to have broken through and made a connection. They were alike in most of their ideals but had strong differences in some. With her, he felt like he was peeling a cabbage, finding new layers, new shades of her personality every day. He just hoped that she would not turn out to be an onion in the end. He realized that most people he knew were in fact like dry coconut - a tough outer shell which is hard to crack but once open, very predictable and hollow on the inside.

He liked to keep people at an arm's distance but he was already confiding in her. He realized he needed a war strategy now. He did a quick 'what-if' analysis in his head and decided to go with the scenario that promised lesser drama. He made up a quick scathing remark that he can send her way. But then, the smile stopped him. She was looking at him with a smile in her eyes so contagious and complete that he could feel himself smiling back at her, rendering his remark useless.

He strongly believed in making things happen. He was never the one to wait around and say. life brought me here. He had always been the one who said I brought myself here. But when it came to her, he was not sure what he wanted. Maybe it was time to make an exception, he thought.  Rules are meant to be broken. Not everything needs to have a purpose or a destination. So, he decided he would just wait it out and see if his heart can weather her storm. For now, he was happy shooting down her arguments with logic.

P.S.: I had so much trouble writing this down as I realized that I do not have a good understanding on how guys think. Most of my friends suggested they might not be thinking so much at all. Maybe, that is true. Maybe not. 

The Thinking Tales - Her Thoughts

She knew she was in love when she realized that the next sentence she wanted to utter is I am in love with you, no matter what question he asked. They were having a conversation so long and complete that in the end, she was just happy and content to stay silent. Then, there was the smile that refused to go away when she looked at him. She was pretty sure that he would be secretly wondering what a weirdo she was. She was arguing her way through his irrefutable logic a while back and all she could do now was to smile and nod. Well, that is what love did to her. It tore away the walls she had built around her heart and took away every single shred of caution with which she had protected it once, leaving her raw and needy. 

She realized that she might never be able to say those words to him. She wondered if she should turn and run in the opposite direction or sit, talk and let her heart figure out alternate ways of showing it. There were agonizing moments she spent with him wondering if she should just break the news to him and see how he reacted. At least, she would have a closure that way. But then she thought about what would happen next. What if he refuses to be responsible for her heart and pushes it back to her ? Or worse, what if he stomps all over it ? How will she put the pieces back together the way it was. The truth, she realized is that she will not be able to. She will never be the same. She will become a little more cynical, learning to veil her pain in dry sarcasm and humor. The walls that broke down will reappear, only a little higher and tougher this time. 

So what should she do now ? she wondered. She did not know he was trouble when he walked in. At least when he moved closer, she should have known. But now, it was too late. She was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. She knew that there was nothing but pain waiting for her at the end. She decided she will worry about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.    

P.S. : I am trying to get back to writing after a while. Hopefully, I will be able to complete this series. Coming up next is 'His Thoughts'

A Dream

Love is..

Forehead